The Uncut Version of Me

I've had this post in the works for about 3 months now. It's been a hard post to put up. Since having a daughter I've felt the need to get this out there.

For the past 20 some odd years I've had this notion in my mind that I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, happy enough, in fashion, my house isn't clean enough, and I wonder what people think about me. It's always the "is it enough" that gets to me. It's taken me this long to finally "take my gloves off" and realize all is well.

When I was younger I wouldn't leave my house without having showered, my hair fixed, and make up on my face. I'd have to have everything perfect. I always felt the need to be in control of everything. There were times in my life I would go running morning and night just to make sure I didn't gain that extra pound and hope that I'd lose that extra pound. When I got to college it got worse. I had to have a perfect apartment that was spotless and always went to the gym whether is was 4 in the morning or midnight for fear I'd gain weight.

I've brain washed myself into thinking I was never good enough. Being a mother to a beautiful daughter who is full of life, love, laughter, and hope I don't want her being raised this way. I don't want her to think that she's not thin enough, happy enough, clean enough, or what people think of her. I don't want this to even enter her mind. I want her to know that I love her more than anything. I want her to know that it doesn't matter how much she weighs, what she look like, if she is in fashion or not, if the house is spotless, or what people think of her. What matters is that I love her, her Daddy loves her, and her Heavenly Father loves her. We will always be there for her no matter what. I'm making a promise to her to never lie to her, to never keep her in the dark, and never ever hurt her. Our little family will grow throughout the years and life will be more chaotic but I want her to know that  will love her fiercely, I will always trust her, and I will do everything in my power to keep her safe and to raise her with a deep love of the gospel. I'm posting everything about me that I can think of. I want her to know that it's ok to be who she is no matter what.

This is who I am:
-I weight 155 lbs.
-I'm 5'10 and 3/4 but I say I'm 5'11 because I've always wanted to be 6'0 so 5'11 is closer.
-I love deeply.
-I have a temper.
-I don't function well on little sleep.
-I am every emotional and cry a lot.
-I'd rather smile and say I'm doing great than say I'm drowning.
-I don't like hurting or hurting people but find ways for vindication but never follow through with it.
-I am quick to forgive.
-I am not so quick to forget.
-I wear a size 9 shoe.
-My pant size is 8-10.
-I wear a size Medium shirt. Sometimes a large is its button down.
-I hate that dresses aren't long enough for me.
-I have a past I don't want to remember but I know the memories are there to help others.
-I worry I am not a good enough mother.
-I never knew I would love being a mom but I honestly do. Words can't express how much I love it.
-I act independent but I know I really am dependent.
-I say I don't need much but I know I do.
-I know I'm difficult to work with because I think I can do it myself.
-I have a hard time asking for help.
-I gained my testimony of Jesus Christ when I was 24 years old.
-I miss going to church for 3 hours but hate sitting there for the 3 hours (doesn't make sense).
-I love to vacuum.
-I hate mopping.
-I say I don't mind when people misspell my name but it secretly drives me nuts, especially when they try to tell me that I misspelled my own name.
-I love that my name is Shannan with an A and not an O. 
-I try everyday to not let the negative seep through.
-I pray everyday. I worry my day will go badly if I don't.
-I'm superstitious.
-I will do something the exact same way over and over again if the first outcome went well.

This is me. Some may find this refreshing, some may find this stupid. But for me, this is what I needed to do. This is who I am. This is what makes me me.

This is me. No make up Just the uncut version of me and I love it.